Tourist tales

I've been a tourist in Sweden for the past couple of days. Travelling around with a guidebook in one hand and a map in the other. This is novelty as I'm usually the "tour guide", imparting the local knowledge. Over the years I've had the pleasure of meeting thousands of interesting and entertaining visitors to the Bodrum peninsula but it's the  annoying ones that stick in the memory.
I was called to one villa to sort out a complaint about a "drunk neighbour" who started singing tunelessly early in the morning. On asking if he could be heard a further 4 times a day and pointing to the mosque I was told that if they'd wanted to hear that rubbish, they'd  have booked a holiday in Bradford. Another client complained that the mosquito tablets we provided were useless. She'd chewed one every night and was still getting bitten.When I showed her how to insert one into the machine she looked at me as if I'd reinvented the wheel. I had clients who booked apartments on the beach and complained in one case that there was too much sand and in another that there was too much sea and one client wanted to move accommodation because her white stiletto heeled shoes didn't work on the beach. My favourite request is from the the customer who wanted me to book her a "round the island" boat trip. I couldn't oblige because the island she had in mind was Turkey.